Fantastic Beasts and How to Fight Them
by TheRealSokka
Summary: Welcome to the first ever Comprehensive Monster Guide for Demigods! Tired of monsters haunting your neighbourhood? This book has all the information you could ever need; on any creature you can think of and a few more that you can't. Created by the one and only Percy Jackson; owner of the single-most-most-wanted-dead-by-monsters award.
1. Preface

**Introduction**

 _ **(Preface)**_

* * *

Hello, fellow demigods.

Well, at least that's who I assume you are if you picked up this book. If you're not; if you've never been staring down the mouth of a Nemean Lion and you're now thinking 'That's an odd saying to use', then you're completely right of course. There isn't actually a real Nemean Lion, nor did anyone ever stare down its (really awfully smelly) mouth. This entire book(?) is just an elaborate school project, really, by someone who is entirely too fascinated by and knowledgeable about the Greek myths. Carry on with your lives.

Okay; that was your obligatory mortal-disclaimer. For those of you who are still here; I assume you've read stuff like that a million times. Or maybe some of you don't actually know what I'm talking about, but the excuse sounded so familiar to those you regularly have to come up with in your own life. In that case; welcome aboard the demigod train! You're in for a rough ride.

Just to be clear what you are looking at here; this is going to be the first-ever-comprehensive-monster-guide-for-and-by-demigods, or FECMGFABD. I'm still working on the title. But as it says, in here you will find accounts of every relevant mythological monster of Greek or Roman origin, and, more importantly, vital tips for what to do when said monsters stand before you in the flesh.

I should probably introduce myself: My name is Percy Jackson, son of Poseidon. Which is kind of a big deal; child of the Big Three and all that. Well; it's not that big a deal anymore; children of the Big Three have been popping up all over the place lately. We've kind of saved the world once or twice in the past few years. Well, with the help of a few tag-alongs ( _amazingly resourceful demigods who will kick your butt the next time they see you, Percy Jackson!)_

Anyway; I don't really know if anybody is actually going to read all this. Realistically, these notes will probably sit around in my nightstand until I either die or forget to clean it out before the cleaning harpies arrive. I've just been calling them a book so far because I don't know what else to call it ( _for lack of a better term)_. It's a lot of unwarranted optimism, to which perhaps my mother has inspired me a little bit (she's a successful author now; Sally Jackson; go buy her books).

Shameless family-advertising aside, there actually is a reason why I am writing this: two of my friends pointed out yesterday that we could use the countless near-death experiences we've had over the years for creating something productive ('cash in on it' were their exact words, I believe). I think they meant it as a joke, though I can never be quite sure there. In seven years of knowing them, I've yet to see them to something productive – unless you call stealing the 4th of July fireworks productive. But anyway; since they made that comment I've been thinking about it a little.

I will never admit this to said anonymous friends' faces; but they were kind of right: A little guide on how you should act in the odd monster situation is a potential life-saver. Hell; _I_ would have wanted one of those when all this started! I've checked, and apparently, for some reason, no one has come up with this idea before. There is no actual monster guide out there to be found. Somebody needs to create that thing, and, without exaggeration, I can safely say that I'm the leading demigod expert on monsters at the moment, simply because they seem to like me so much ( _just by virtue of exposition)_. Remember that Nemean Lion introduction? Yeah.

Since the idea wouldn't let me go anymore and sleep is overrated anyway, I've spent the last night _( sloppily)_ scribbling down everything I know about monsters, beasts and whatever else might want to kill a perfectly nice demigod. I've already got a bunch of ( _compiled a lot of)_ notes right here next to me as I'm writing this, and that's despite demigod-issue dyslexia. I'm kind of impressed with myself.

I've probably rambled on long enough. ( _Yes, you have._ ) Now, as for exactly what you can expect in this book; I'm basically going to try to make it a guideline for any imaginable situation that involves a monster – at least from my experience. This goes from obvious things like not looking at the Medusa's head, to more subtle decisions like not trying to ride a giant pink flying boar through the streets of Manhattan while Hermes is clubbing it to death with a caduceus. I don't know why you would want to do that, but just in case you do; don't. Trust me; it's not as much fun as it sounds.

The main thing about monsters (as you probably know already) is that they don't really die. Meaning anything I've ever had to fight, _you'll_ probably have to fight at some point. And most likely you'll blow up a school in the process, get blamed for everything and spend the next few months on the run from the authorities until the Mist sorts it out. It sucks, but that's a demigod's life for you.

I just realized how depressing I'm making this all sound. Dear readers; if you're now understandably upset and thinking 'No, screw this demigod stuff; I'm out; I don't want to be demigod!', please don't close this book and run in the opposite direction – likely there's a monster already waiting for you that way. Eager to kill you. Or eat you. Or both.

Okay, I'll stop now. Really, being a demigod isn't all bad; it does have its good sides. For one, you get a bunch of awesome powers to show off – unless you're a child of Hypnos, in which case you'll just lie in your bed sleeping all day. But then you'll also never read this book, so that doesn't really apply, now that I'm thinking about it…

Anyway; the good sides of being a demigod: the camp fire, obviously. Pegasi; they are awesome. Ambrosia. And, of course, meeting a lot of amazing people. Yeah, that's probably the main thing. Nothing makes life-long friends faster than a joint effort to chop Medusa's head off. And believe me; those friends are worth the monsters.

 _(Gods, you hopeless romantic. I love you)_

So, in summary, to survive until you get to these good parts, I'll try to compile a few helpful tips in this book to overcome the bad. Yeah. That's basically it. As for the order the monsters will feature in; there really isn't one. I'm making this up as I go along; probably starting with the things I'm most familiar with. Which really only leaves one choice for the first entry…

PS:

Edit:

I'm now looking over this again. It's the first time I've ever written this much (voluntarily!), and I really don't know how I managed it. Must have been the excitement. I think it's worn off now, because the words are just hula-dancing around the page at the moment. So, apologies if everything is misspelled or makes no sense.

Then again, now that I think about it, you all probably have dyslexia, too. Which makes this guide _Thus rendering this guide_ a lot less helpful than I thought. That might be why no one has done this before, actually. This is a problem.

I'm going to ask my girlfriend about this; I assume she'll have a solution. She usually does. Actually; now that I think about it, it would probably be good anyway if she had a look over this entire thing first before I share it with anybody. Don't tell her I said this, but she's much better at this kind of writing-and-organizing stuff than I am (Despite also having dyslexia. Still haven't figured out how she does that) ( _Thanks! )_. She's also really pedantic, though. ( _Oi!_ ) So if half of this text is underlined or marked red; don't put the blame on me. I'm just trying to be helpful to you guys.

* * *

 _You brought this on yourself, Seaweed Brain._


	2. The Minotaur

**The Minotaur**

* * *

Oh boy; this guy. Oh boy.

I thought to myself 'Best start off with something you're really familiar with'. And it's safe to say that no one is more familiar with this great big murderous cow than me. The two of us have a long history between us at this point. Ever since I killed him with his own horn, he's been a little mad at me; I don't know why. Some monsters can really hold a grudge.

Short Description:

\- mythological creature; head of a bull, body of a man

\- walks on two feet (most of the time)

\- big, mean horns

\- tough hide

\- bad mouth- and nostril hygiene

\- tends to come equipped in fully battle armour, but might occasionally turn up in just a pair of fine-ribbed cotton underwear (don't ask me why)

\- unique (There's only one of him. Thank the Gods for that.)

I really don't know why I'm bothering to describe this guy; most of you probably already know what a Minotaur is. He's one of the more famous Greek monsters after all.

You should know, though, that he doesn't know that, and he won't feel flattered if you tell him, either. He'll just glare at you with his big, red, murderous eyes and probably follow that up with trying to kill you, all without acknowledging your compliment in the slightest. That's mainly because his brain is roughly the size of a walnut, and about half as capable of conscious thought. Compliments are way beyond his comprehension – but I should add that I make that statement without evidence, since no one has ever given him one to test it.

Not that the Minotaur would give anyone the chance, though. In his walnut brain there is only room for one single thought; and that is 'Kill thing in front of me!' – perhaps with the occasional 'Thing is Percy Jackson – kill even more!' sneaking its way in. That's what it feels like, anyway. But I digress. Trying to dive into the so called thought process of the things trying to murder me is just a good way to cope, I guess. Helps to relieve the stress while you're fighting for your life.

Now, all this does sound like I am belittling the big oaf – and I am – but this single-minded focus on killing is also what makes the Minotaur so dangerous. With most creatures, if you run into them without warning, you can at least count on one second or two of surprise on their part, and then another five as they're either judging if you're worth the trouble or sizing you up trying to find your weak spots. If, on the other hand, you happen to run into the Minotaur in a deserted alley, he'll charge at you the very second he sees you. No time for preparations, neither on his nor on your part.

Yes; this big brute is about as murderous as these monsters get. And he's got the arsenal to back it up, too: big, mean horns; awfully smelly breath; and biceps (bicepsis? bicepses?) to make Arnold jealous. I've seen him lift a full-sized car and through it like it was nothing more than a football (guess at who?). When it comes to brute strength, he'll overpower any demigod. Trust me; enough have tried, and they are not writing this book. Which is why you really. Shouldn't. Do that.

(Fight him directly; not write a book. Maybe that was confusing.)

See; as I'll illustrate further, for most of these monsters there's a trick. And the trick with this guy is; _you_ don't have to kill him. You just have to stay alive long enough for _him_ to kill himself.

You know the gimmick with the bull and the red cloth? Yeah. At the heart of it, the Minotaur is this single-minded animal, and you are its red cloth. Meaning that no matter if there's a tornado, a nuclear explosion or a Beyoncé concert nearby; you will always be his prime focus. That fact can be quite terrifying when he actually barrels towards you like an extremely angry freight train and you stand there with nothing but a toothpick masquerading to be a sword.

The first instinct in this situation would be to run, which, again, you most certainly don't want to do; he'll catch up. Instead consider literally any other direction other than away from him, because he is much worse with those. Try evading to the left or the right; duck under his armpits; or (as some crazy person has been reported doing) jump on his head and over him. Most of these should work, at least the first few times.

Eventually, though, even the Minotaur will catch on to that trick and try to predict where you are going to go. And as simple as the above instructions sound now, it's not always easy to keep a clear enough head in a fight with a monster; especially one as imposing as this. You are guaranteed to make some slip-ups. And at this point you might discover your pessimistic side and think 'Well, great, I may or may not have survived a few couple of seconds against this big cow, but now he is going to murder me anyway; thanks for nothing, Percy Jackson!'

Well, to come back to the red cloth part, it's all about how you use those couple of seconds. With his reckless charging, there are a lot of ways – limited only by your imagination – to turn the Minotaur's own power against him. Here's just one little recipe for you:

* * *

Step 1: Prop your toothpick up against something solid, sharp bit pointed toward the bull.

Step 2: Sprinkle some salt and pepper (or spices of your choice) on top.

Step 3: Wait for the oaf to come at you.

Step 4: Jump aside at the last moment and be sure not to bite off your tongue at the impact.

* * *

If you've followed the instructions correctly, you should now have a slight dash of near-death panic, a Minotaur-free day ahead of you, and a delicious murder-steak for dinner as a bonus.

(Not really; like all monsters the Minotaur dissolves into ashes after death, and anyway he's probably seven kinds of contagious. Just trying to be optimistic here.)

This recipe excellently showcases my second tip: use your surroundings. I know that sounds obvious, but with this guy especially it is invaluable. If where you stand happens to be, say, the edge of a cliff, the situation is instantly more favourable. All you need to do then is just take a step to the side, smile politely and wave after the bull-freight train on his way down. To keep with the vehicle analogy; this brute doesn't come with a built-in reverse, meaning that if you see anything deadly nearby, position yourself in front of it and let him do the rest. If the Minotaur gets moving, nothing will stop him, and that includes himself.

(And yes; it is also possible to kill him the conventional way, if you're really, really quick and amazing at sword fighting ( _and really uncreative_ )).

Some fun facts to close this off: the Minotaur is one of the oldest mythological creatures. Since he's also very strong, that should theoretically mean that if you kill him once, you won't have to see him again in your lifetime since he takes so long to regenerate. Notice how I used 'theoretically' there? Yeah. I've met him three times now, and every time he only seems to get bigger and meaner. So don't count on theory or your luck when dealing with these monsters; as a general rule, all three don't like demigods very much.

Did you know that he gets his name from his former master, king Minos, and the ancient Greek word for bull? I didn't, until someone pointed it out to me while I was running for my life from said Minos-bull and his monster friends. You live and you learn; sometimes simultaneously, as in this case. At least that explains why the big guy turned out the way he did. With that old ghostly tyrant for a master, I would probably develop anger issues, too.

Anyway, that concludes the first chapter. Hopefully it was pleasant to read and life-saving. Next up is probably a slightly less murderous monster – not that that is saying much.


End file.
